i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Randomize