Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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