I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
