You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
