We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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