We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
