don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Randomize
