I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
