Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
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