I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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