I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
