She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize