3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
