I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
