If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
