I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
