I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
