You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
