no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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