Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
