You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
