2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Houston, we have a squirter
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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