and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
