Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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