last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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