1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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