Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
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