No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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