i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize