he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
