Got a toothbrush?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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