I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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