My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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