Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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