wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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