Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
