I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
