Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
