thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
