I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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