my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
