Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I want her autograph on my taint
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
