Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
