if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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