quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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