Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
