I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
