Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
