wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
