I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
