god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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