I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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