i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
