we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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