??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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