I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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