Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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