my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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