youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
