i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
