You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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