fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
