Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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