I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
