i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
