I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
