The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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