how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize