apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She bit a glass in half.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
