One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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