My cat gives me a boner
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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