I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
