I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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